DO NOT TOUCH

I like to watch Stargate Atlantis. It is one of the joys of my life. How come, this week, I missed it?

Well. It is on Sky One, which for me means no subtitles. The hearing thing you see. NHS please take note, it is now two years plus since my doctor wrote to arrange an audiology appointment, I digress.

Back to Stargate. On Wednesday there was football on the telly at the same time as Stargate Atlantis. As there are no subtitles, as I said before, then it is OK for me to put the aforementioned Stargate Atlantis on to a disc to watch later.

I settled down to watch Stargate Atlantis after the football. 20 minutes into the programme I was trying to workout why the team had transported itself to an area that looked very much like Emmerdale. Some of the characters were the same. This confused me as, as far as I am aware, there isn't a Stargate located in the North of England. After five minutes or so grappling with the complexities of inter galactic travel I came to the conclusion that maybe the answer was a little more simple. Someone had switched channels on the DVD! I wonder who that could have been? No admissions.

Now all was not lost. You see, Sky in it's wisdom repeats Stargate Atlantis on a Sunday. This clashes with the time I prepare Sunday Roast for my loving family. Ches and Al join us for our traditional meal. I went to great pains to tell all that I was DVDing Stargate Atlantis as I had missed it earlier in the week. I said to all. "DO NOT TOUCH". I thought that would do it.

The time came for me to switch cable from Sky One to Sky Sports. I turned on the correct channel. To my horror "Ed, Ed and Eddy" appeared. I stopped the DVD and started from the beginning. Fast forward, there was my beloved Stargate Atlantis. Then, 20 minutes or so in, the screen was taken over by the Cable menu, then on came Ed Ed and bloody Eddy.

I blew. All disappeared. All returned as I was still blowing. Alice said it must have been her, so she got a very loud lecture about what bit of "DO NOT TOUCH" she had difficulty with. Val then said that she had checked that all was OK and had seen the menu on the screen and left it. Cheryl said that she had forgotten that she had preset the timer on cable for Ed bloody Ed and the other one!!!

I ask you, is there something about "DO NOT TOUCH" that isn't clear!!!!!!!!!

And Tommy still hasn't returned to roost!!!!!!!